Wednesday, September 15, 2010

an ode to trying harder

I like to think I try (do?) my best at all I take onto my plate, although lately it seems that sometimes (often?) I take a ‘pass’ for things that are the most important. Now I know, since I am the one who decides what is most important (and can’t let others try to change my mind) then I should be willing and able to adjust my behaviors accordingly, and figure out where to put my efforts. Developing a talent? Pursuing a hobby? Spending more time with the people I care about? Who knows? (I should, I suppose).
Now, the bellyache I developed today after I kamikazed three straight kombuchas in order to make up for all that lost time (due to an absurd recall), got me to thinking. Lost time is just that. (lost, obviously.) And no matter what I try to do, or how much I try to grasp at the wispy little ends of time (and places, and people) past, there is no returning home again. Isn’t that the old saying? Correct context or not, it seems fitting.
So here I am. Carpe Diem or blah blah blah. Now how am I going to take this to heart? Honestly, I wont. At least for the next few months. I’ll go ahead and waste a bit more time, have more regrets about not seeing the people I want to, not working the job I want to, not visiting the places I want to, not partaking in the activities I want to, not attending the things (parties/shows/art openings/happy hours/picnics/etc/etc/etc) I want to, and just work myself to the bone. Why? (funny you should ask). Because just MAYBE: this is exactly where I need to be right now. OK, OK. So I might have regrets, but hey, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be. (right?) Give me a few months, and ask me again. (“Are you exactly where you need to be?”) For now, (I feel pretty confident), I can say that I am. We all need to work TOWARDS something, because honestly (I think) the worst thing in life is to be stagnant.
I’ll get there. (really)